Flip question: Would you be willing to marry someone who's kept the fact that they're on meds a secret until you are about to propose?

No, I would want to know a sooner- like when it started to be more than an SDJ.

This actually happened to my - kinda. My husband only told me one date before we got engaged that he was taking medication. Although I probably have to add that we only went on 5 dates, so it was also "on the fourth date". It's not like we were going out for months and he actually had to hide it. It therefore didn't bother me that he didn't tell me sooner, because I understood that he really cared for me and he was afraid to get dumped just because of it.

I didn't even consider doing that... The meds he's taking aren't antidepressants but they are for a "mental illness". However, when he takes them regularly, there really is nothing wrong with him and I really can't see why I shouldn't have married him because of this. It doesnt make him less. It just makes him imperfect, which we all are, anyway.

I totally don't understand the frum meshugas about "meds". It's not the people on meds who worry me, it's people with undiagnosed "denied-away" mental illness who should be on meds but aren't who scare the living daylights out of me. Oh and there's plenty of them in the frum world. I was briefly married to one of them.

The new frummy motto: No SDJs on SSRIs.

Good point. At least people "on meds" are getting some kind of mental health care.
How many people do we know who NEED therapy but are not getting it?
It certainly may be far better to marry someone who is at least insightful about his/her issues and getting help for them.

I would be very hurt by the breach of trust, but would understand in the sense that there is so much fear and stigma regarding this in the frum world.

that said I have no intent on hiding my being bipolar from my mechutanim, although I wish it could be hidden from them but revealed to the potential spouse.

for some reason while I trust my spouse to be forgiving, I'm more than aware that just because your besheret understands doesn't mean that your mechutanim do.

What breach of trust? The scenario of the OP is that meds were not disclosed when the couple started dating. Why would you have trust in someone you don't know? I don't know that you have any kind of obligation, be it moral, religious or social to reveal your entire medical history to someone you're starting to date and might not ever see again.

Don't make that kind of assumptions. In certain cases, your date will tend to view psychological conditions with a stigma influenced by the social climate, whereas his parents might be more understanding/flexible as a result of being older and wiser.

Another question: what are people who are known to be on "meds" supposed to do according to the frummy conventional wisdom? Remain unmarried and celibate and die childless? Look for a non-Jew to convert and marry? Marry a golem? Does the "oilam" realize that this will most likely result in people walking away from the community and eventually Judaism? Has the "oilam" even bothered to see this from the POV of those they reject?

krum, there are certain mental illnesses that should not be mixed together. Two OCD or two Bipolar people are a major case in point. The two OCD people will drive each other insane, and the two bipolar people is asking for trouble, cause what happens if both of them have an episode at the same time? It will kill the marriage, and even if it doesn't it will do alot of damage to the kids that would have been otherwise avoidable, cause the healthy spouse could have taken charge and given emotional support to the sick spouse so that the sick spouse could continue to function and give back.

now, in all honesty I'm not very comfortable with the whole research system at all and think its is moraly the same forcing your kids to play russian ruelette, but whatever.

You're making very broad generalizations. People get treatment for psychological conditions all the time and many are able to live mostly normal lives. (Well, good luck doing that in a societal niche where treating these conditions is like wearing a giant scarlet D_x)

I think right before proposal is a bit late in the game for such secrets but sometimes things go fast and they have to be at a point where they are comfortable to say. If they say before there is an emotional connection they definitely have less of a chance so I can see where they are coming from for waiting that long. They don't owe such personal information to random dates and sometimes things move along faster than expected so thats where they are in the relationship by the time the information is revealed. So no, I wouldn't hold it against them.

I don't know what I'd do about marrying them though. I've been caused far too much greif by someone very involved in my life who is on medication. They are currently doing well and the medication works and haven't done anything to actively make me miserable in a really long time (besides the occasional bad mood they get into perhaps) but after putting up with that for years it scares me to possibly have my spouse be that way. Obviously every individual is different and there are many different conditions people are medicated for, but I'd have to be seriously attached to the person to even consider it, which is sad, because my fear has nothing to do with them, their condition, or even logical sense.

Which is EXACTLY why people lie and "hide" things........

I guess the difference in this type of question is other circumstances. Like, if engagment occurs after 5 dates, then is it even hiding it? But if its been months, thats a breach of trust.

Can I be blunt? the problem isnt even 100% the mental illness. It's more the known side effects that come with these meds..

I'm not sure how to answer that. I got engaged to my husband immediately after he told me about his health condition.