Should a family have rules for how the members/children should or should not dress?

Suppose a daughter becomes less frum, and dresses immodestly (pants, short skirts, low necklines, etc). Is it proper parenting to demand respectful dress when she is home? What if it might drive her further away?

How old is the daughter, are there younger (influential) children at home, and how immodestly is she dressing?

What it boils down to though is that it's your (the parent's) home, and you make the rules. However, most parents wouldn't want to drive their child away, so you'd have to keep mind of the other variables. I'm not sure how else to answer this, it's more of a case-by-case basis because everyone is different and should be reacted to as such.

Children should also understand that they are in their parents' home and as such owe something to them. If they know that it would pain their parent to see them dressed a certain way, they shouldn't do it. Obviously, this takes a degree of maturity but I think that at some point in everyone's life, they must realize that they alone are not the be all and end all. True maturity and love for someone beyond oneself is doing something you wouldn't necessarily want to do (in this case, dress regulations) regardless because you know it would hurt someone that you love. (Or vice versa- Not doing something that you would want to do....)

Doesn't every family have such rules? Maybe not given in the guidebook for the newborns but as unspoken rules.

I found it very rude, that when my freind got married, her husband told her to tell her less observant cousin to wear a sweater to the seder, since he found her shirt too revealing. I guess this is a little tangential, but generally whatever the family has always done should be the general standard.

The risk is, if your daughter is rebellious, that if you as parents lay down the law what she has to wear at home, she will leave home. And one thing you want to do, is to prevent that happening.

Be that as it may, you don't want your other kids being exposed to that....

I think there is nothing wrong with expecting a child to respect your own rules in your home (as long as those rules are within reason). You don't need to bend over backwards to keep your kid at home. If asking them to respect your minimal rules is enough to drive them away then chances are they will find some other reason not to come home anyways.

You could be right...however the many kids at risk I interviewed for my book said the turning point for their total downward spiral into the gutter was when their parents "forced" them out of the house, (real or perceived force involved). If some way had been found to compromise, at least temorarily, they might never have hit rock bottom.

I always found a useful mantra when dealing with recalcitrant teenagers was "pick your battles." Some are not worth the fighting in the long term scheme of things. A yeshivish or otherwise chareidi father who makes a huge issue about his son wanting to wear a leather yarmulke and not wear a hat to shul might find he soon has more to contend with than what kind of headgear his son chooses to wear.

I don't think asking a child to respect you is forcing him out of the house. That is assuming you respect the kid too. It goes both ways -you can't demand respect when you don't give it.


For sure. I think most the major issues in this area stem from the parents not wanting the child to embarass them while the child just wants to be accepted for what he is.

The problem with these kids is that to a large extent, at least temporarily, they don't respect their parents, or at least make a good pretence of it. Their parents represent everything this kid despises. It takes extremely careful handling as a parent, to keep the kid's respect, show him some respect while he is acting like a complete renegade, and to keep all the balls of the situation in the air at once.

It is my view that
1. coercing dress code is often counter-productive
2. parents should pick their battles
3. dress code should be seen in the wider context of what the child is all about
4. parents should introspect if their real concern is how they as parents and how their family will be seen and judged by others
5. kids go through phases
6. kids push and test boundaries
7. parents should recall their own challenges and ta'avot at the child's age rather than at their present age
8. if dress code so completely defines a person that that's why the other children shouldn't be exposed to the sibling

Which is more or less what I said, with tosafos

I honor you with my commentary.

*courtsey*

The one situation that I know of the only requirement the parent has is that the child wear something on his head (yarmulke, baseball cap, towel, etc.) while in his home.