Why do people say that? How arrogant do you have to be to think you can decide whether person A is "for" person B - or not?


Given two scenarios (both of which I've experienced), which would you prefer?

Scenario 1 - a friend (not particularly close) suggests a shidduch. Everything sounds fine until the first phone call, at which point you realize that this is not an individual you have even the slightest interest in meeting. You go out anyway and wonder what your friend was smoking because the individual suggested could not be more wrong for you.

Scenario 2 - a close friend, when asked about an individual that is known to them, has only nice things to say about the person's character but adds that it's not a shidduch for you because of Inconsequential Traits x and y and whoever suggested it obviously doesn't know you well. You go out and wonder what your friend was smoking because this individual is similar to other individuals you date.

Just venting.

i think it would just pique my curiosity and interest to hear that so-and-so is great but not for you.

btw if the other individuals you date have not worked out, then maybe the similarity of this new person to those other individuals isn't necessarily a positive characteristic? hmm.

I've decided that it's pretty much impossible to know who is good for who, if A is a nice guy and B is a nice girl and there's a remote chance of anything happening, I'd suggest it. Trying to match others on anything other than not being a jerk/jerkette is completely useless IMO. The major thing is that people act differently in relationships / in the company of the opposite sex than they do when you see them socially. Completely different qualities are expressed...

Well how do you think people come up with ideas for shidduchim? If noone out there would be "arrogant" enough to decide if one person is good for another, there would be no matches suggested!


How well does your close friend know the two of you? And perhaps they were right in their assessment as you yourself say that the person was similar to others you have dated. Maybe your close friend realizes that and knows this is not the direction you want to take or at least not the direction that has been successful for you...
I also notice that you said that the person was similar to those you dated...NOT that this was a great idea and that your close friend was incredibly "off". Just because he/she was similar doesn't mean that your friend was out-of-line in their opinion.

Sorry, everybody tries their best to be helpful, but we continually ask for Bina in Shemoneh Esrei, because we truly understand so little.

I agree 100%. And that's why my friend's pretty much baseless opinion is so disturbing.



That is true. And, as uncomfortable as Scenario 1 was, I much preferred it to Scenario 2. Because at least my friend in the first example was being constructive and making an effort. But my friend in the second example was being destructive, not constructive.

Eye of the beholder, he/she might have been trying to keep you out of a potentially negative scenario.

Do you mean something my friend knew about that person but didn't want to tell me for whatever reason (e.g., let's say that the individual is a hatchet murderer)?

It's possible, in theory.

To be clear, I don't doubt my friend's good intentions. My beef is that people with good intentions like that should keep them to themselves, barring unusual circumstances.

What would you have preferred for your friend to do/say?

Anything is possible.

If you don't want to know don't ask.

To say what they said without editorializing. That is, just say whatever they know about the person without opining about whether or not it is "for me."



I learned my lesson for next time.

Next time I won't ask, "Do you know individual A and what can you tell me about them?" because I might get an answer to the question I didn't ask, which was, "Is Individual A a good shidduch for me or not?"

Did you tell your friend that you were bothered by how they responded to your question? At least they'll know for next time to either rephrase their wording or ask you more specifically what you are looking for.

I have not yet discussed it with my friend. I'm not sure how I will address it. I don't want to offend them. Maybe I just won't ask them this kind of question anymore. On the other hand, maybe they're not suggesting perfectly fine people to me because of whatever misguided standard they have set up in their mind for me. It would be a disservice to myself to allow them to continue dismissing shidduch ideas that they could-have-but-didn't suggest to me for reasons that may not be correct.

While you can certainly disregard this, I think that it would be in both your best interest and your friend's best interest to discuss the situation. Like this you can explain your position to your friend and your friend can elaborate on why they said what they did. You said that this was a close friend of yours and that you do not doubt their good intention so perhaps some clarification on their part would ease things in your mind (and vice versa). Perhaps there was something going on that you are entirely unaware of or something that people see in you that you may not see in yourself that prompted your friend to respond the way they did. And who knows? Maybe they thought they were answering the way you wanted them to? Miscommunication happens quite easily.

There is truth in your words.