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Banned From Where What When


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#1 geshtunken

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:00 AM

This is a letter someone wrote to Where What When (free Jewish publication in Bawmaw) and was rejected because....well....you'll see - and tell me if you agree with them, or with me!

(Disclaimer: Not written by Geshtunken himself, but what-what?? he agrees)


To the Editor,
I want to preface this letter by saying that many of you may not agree with what I am about to say. Some of you may rationalize what’s going on or become agitated about it, while others will appreciate my attempt to make their situation a tad more bearable.
I am writing to inform the community about the travesty that is befalling its young women – but also as an expression of my own personal frustration. I am about to give you an honest and blunt description. I want to open people’s eyes to what they are doing. This information comes from my personal experiences, from friends and family on all sides of the frumkeit spectrum, and from countless stories that singles have told me in order to vent their frustration with the system.
Shidduchim! It’s all we ever talk about. And the topic is discussed in such a way that all semblance of tznius is completely obliterated. It has become an open forum that can only be called crass and nosy. I have had people come up to me at weddings, in shul during davening, and even at the gym, asking me what I am looking for and what I have been up to lately. (There is a time and a place for everything, and when these are not considered, it leaves a bad ta’am in our mouths.) Not one of these people has offered a legitimate shidduch. Many of their questions have been an insult to my character and a blow to my self-confidence and self-esteem.
Where has the sensitivity gone? You see, my friends and I don’t discuss how much money your husband makes or what grades your kids are getting in school. But, in the pursuit of shidduchim, things have evolved to the point where anyone, it seems, is privy to the details of our lives. It is all of a sudden okay to discuss the chesed that we do or don’t do, whether that chesed is in or out of our homes, and what shiurim we do or don’t attend.
Is the point of all this discussion to help the growing number of singles in our community? Or is it simply an excuse to talk? I say to the members of our community: Please think before you discuss an individual with a group of people. Ask yourself, will this truly help this particular young woman find her bashert?
Even when a shidduch is suggested, I am faced with the troubling question, which many of my friends ask themselves as well: “Is this the way people perceive me?” Am I so pathetic that this boy, who is truly not noge’a (appropriate), would actually be considered a good shidduch for me? At this point, my mother tells me the line she has repeated many times: “There are three types of shidduchim: one that is good shidduch for the boy, one that is a good shidduch for the girl, and one that is a good shidduch for both. We are looking for the third.”
I have a request – no, let me call it a plea – that I believe singles from all over Baltimore will be thanking me for: Please, only redt (suggest) shidduchim if you have met both parties. Please don’t throw out names like a deck of cards, so we have to pray that maybe we will land the ace of spades, the one decent guy in the entire bunch. Even if we do get the ace, he is probably inaccessible, has a list two miles long, or is looking for major money. So, please don’t tell me about this guy until he says “yes.”
We girls have been pecked and prodded for far too long. We have begged and pleaded, stalked and nagged, all to date a boy we don’t know and whom we probably won’t even like. We go after this boy because someone told us that he would be perfect (famous last words to anyone in my position). The last “perfect” guy I went out with screamed at me when I gave him slightly different directions on the way home from the Renaissance Hotel. But, you see, this really was not the fault of the shadchan. As she informed me after the date, while she knew me rather well, she had never actually met this boy.
We girls are tired and becoming bitter at far too young an age. We have been advised – I believe it was in this publication – to keep a resume on hand, just in case someone may have a shidduch for us. I would like to ask a question: Do the bachurim in Ner Israel walk around with their resumes tucked into their gemaras, just in case? We are told that we must look our best at all times, because who knows who may be watching us. We have thus been robbed the luxury of running into Seven Mile Market on a hectic erev Shabbos to buy some extra yeast or sugar because we are wearing a jeans skirt and lack the appropriate make-up. This is the advice people are giving us in order to cope or deal with our situation.
So, although I don’t actually have a remedy for the shidduch problem, I hope that you will consider what I have told you and think twice before you redt a shidduch. Oh yeah, and the next time you are at a wedding and see a single girl standing in the back of Beth Tfiloh, please refrain from looking her up and down. Get the thought out of your head that she may be good for your cousin’s sister-in-law’s neighbor, and simply enjoy the wedding. Thank you.
A Single
"I have no problem with ignorance; It's ignorance about ignorance that bothers me."

#2 brianna

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:04 AM

The whole system is pathetic, but even more so are people who put up with it.
Certainly there is no shortage of married, left-wing harlots who do not cover their hair. Although, they're probably busy sacrificing their children to Ba‛al and filing divorce papers. ~ Milton

"Are you including as shomer negiya someone who is sleeping with his girlfriend but not shaking hands with the car dealer?" ~ Moshi

"Some people like their corn flakes soggy, other people get off on repression and guilt." ~ Sweet

Notice of New Policy: I now ask people permission before using their quotes.

#3 Jennifer

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:05 AM

We girls are tired and becoming bitter at far too young an age.

yeah

#4 Gabbe

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:08 AM

.
The author hereby expressly and unconditionally reserves all rights stemming from his posts (including copyrights) despite any delusions the administration may have.

#5 Aristotle

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:08 AM

I am writing to inform the community about the travesty that is befalling its young women – but also as an expression of my own personal frustration.

And this problem is exclusive to women?
.כלל הדבר, כי ראוי שיהיה השכל בן חורין -מהר"ל בחיד"א

#6 pleats

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:09 AM

.

#7 Guest_miri_*

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:09 AM

Can I hear a hayl yeah

#8 brianna

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:11 AM

Don't bait me, bri.

:hippy:
Certainly there is no shortage of married, left-wing harlots who do not cover their hair. Although, they're probably busy sacrificing their children to Ba‛al and filing divorce papers. ~ Milton

"Are you including as shomer negiya someone who is sleeping with his girlfriend but not shaking hands with the car dealer?" ~ Moshi

"Some people like their corn flakes soggy, other people get off on repression and guilt." ~ Sweet

Notice of New Policy: I now ask people permission before using their quotes.

#9 Torn

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:11 AM

Well written, though to be sure guys experience the same thing too...
Fear is Temporary, Regret is Forever

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible -Walt Disney

#10 Reva

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:13 AM

Get the thought out of your head that she may be good for your cousin’s sister-in-law’s neighbor, and simply enjoy the wedding.



Sooo true.

Btw, maybe this girl should send her letter to the Yated. They'd probably print it. They like to stir things up.

#11 Liorah-Lleucu

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:14 AM

I am still stunned by the fact that people actually have "shidduch resumes". It is somehow beyond the grasp of my imagination that this could actually be true.
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#12 Torn

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:16 AM

I am still stunned by the fact that people actually have "shidduch resumes". It is somehow beyond the grasp of my imagination that this could actually be true.

A sad state of affairs indeed...
Fear is Temporary, Regret is Forever

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible -Walt Disney

#13 brianna

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:17 AM

How many times do I need to say just relax and date?!!
Certainly there is no shortage of married, left-wing harlots who do not cover their hair. Although, they're probably busy sacrificing their children to Ba‛al and filing divorce papers. ~ Milton

"Are you including as shomer negiya someone who is sleeping with his girlfriend but not shaking hands with the car dealer?" ~ Moshi

"Some people like their corn flakes soggy, other people get off on repression and guilt." ~ Sweet

Notice of New Policy: I now ask people permission before using their quotes.

#14 Reva

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:17 AM

I am still stunned by the fact that people actually have "shidduch resumes". It is somehow beyond the grasp of my imagination that this could actually be true.



Why?

#15 Gabbe

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:18 AM

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The author hereby expressly and unconditionally reserves all rights stemming from his posts (including copyrights) despite any delusions the administration may have.

#16 Reva

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:19 AM

How many times do I need to say just relax and date?!!


As many as it takes before you marry a Rav or Rosh Yeshiva who has a huge say in the world's affairs and will change the way everyone is the yeshivish world thinks. Dream big.

#17 Spot

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:20 AM

.

#18 brianna

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:20 AM

As many as it takes before you marry a Rav or Rosh Yeshiva

Not. Happening. Period. But nice try.
Certainly there is no shortage of married, left-wing harlots who do not cover their hair. Although, they're probably busy sacrificing their children to Ba‛al and filing divorce papers. ~ Milton

"Are you including as shomer negiya someone who is sleeping with his girlfriend but not shaking hands with the car dealer?" ~ Moshi

"Some people like their corn flakes soggy, other people get off on repression and guilt." ~ Sweet

Notice of New Policy: I now ask people permission before using their quotes.

#19 Reva

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:22 AM

Not. Happening. Period. But nice try.



Then "relax and date" will not be happening.

#20 brianna

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 01:23 AM

Then "relax and date" will not be happening.

Oh it does. But people don't talk about it or encourage it. Most people just stay miserable.
Certainly there is no shortage of married, left-wing harlots who do not cover their hair. Although, they're probably busy sacrificing their children to Ba‛al and filing divorce papers. ~ Milton

"Are you including as shomer negiya someone who is sleeping with his girlfriend but not shaking hands with the car dealer?" ~ Moshi

"Some people like their corn flakes soggy, other people get off on repression and guilt." ~ Sweet

Notice of New Policy: I now ask people permission before using their quotes.




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