[LoveToLaugh]

I feel like BF or someone posted something similar;

But if a friend meets you on the street and says she cant have you this shabbos but definitely wants you next shabbos, what does that mean exactly. Is there a pretty good chance that you really are invited or would you definitely need confirmation the next week that you are really invited. At what day of the week do you assume that you really are not invited. Would you call to ask or does that put them on the spot?

[Arizona]

I say call. I'd call even if I knew it was a real invite anyway to ask what I could bring, what time the meal starts, etc. If they didn't mean it as a real invite, it could be awkward to call but much better than showing up.

[Very Lucky Guy]

I did just post something similar about a month ago.

I think it depends on what level friendship you have with the person. If it is a real friend then it is probably a real invitation and if they forgot to touch base early in the week (Sunday or Monday) then I would not hesitate to call them. If it is just an acquaintance then I would assume the invitation is not legit, just something people say to fill silence. I would also not call them about it. While not rising to the level of "rudeness" in this instance, I would consider calling them a social faux pas. That is, you both know the score (they didn't really want you to come and just got caught saying something they don't mean and you know they don't want you there and you probably don't want to go anyway), so why push it by calling and forcing the issue - just let the invitation die a slow death.

I think you are free by Tuesday after chatzos.

[LoveToLaugh]

Arizona, on 28 July 2010 - 03:51 PM, said:

I say call. I'd call even if I knew it was a real invite anyway to ask what I could bring, what time the meal starts, etc. If they didn't mean it as a real invite, it could be awkward to call but much better than showing up.

I would just not go if I never get a call from them. As a host, I would definitely confirm after a nonchalant, unofficial invite so my thought process is that if it was a real invite, they'd have called to confirm. Than again, some folks are so busy and barely think about shabbos until Friday pops up.

[BroadwayFreak]

Did the person say that they'll call you next week to touch base, or did they extend an invite that you said yes to? Did they say, "Will you come to our house next Shabbos?" and did you say, "Yes"?

[LoveToLaugh]

BroadwayFreak, on 28 July 2010 - 03:57 PM, said:

Did the person say that they'll call you next week to touch base, or did they extend an invite that you said yes to? Did they say, "Will you come to our house next Shabbos?" and did you say, "Yes"?

OK, some background; this friend has mentioned several times that she wants to have us over before we move; She initially invited us for last shabbos in a more casual way. I actually did call in the middle of the week to ask her about it and thats when she said she was going way for this shabbos in the end but definitely wants up next shabbos. I'm almost embarrassed for her if she can't have us in the end even though we're totally cool with going elsewhere.

[Jeanette]

I had a relative call and say they want to take me out to lunch. I said it was very hectic and I wouldn't be available until after X. Well, I'm available now. Do I call and tell them that, or let them call me again if they're still interested?

[Shuli]

Arizona, on 28 July 2010 - 03:51 PM, said:

I say call. I'd call even if I knew it was a real invite anyway to ask what I could bring, what time the meal starts, etc. If they didn't mean it as a real invite, it could be awkward to call but much better than showing up.

I agree. I don't think I would assume that if THEY don't call, it means you're not invited.

Jeanette, on 28 July 2010 - 04:43 PM, said:

I had a relative call and say they want to take me out to lunch. I said it was very hectic and I wouldn't be available until after X. Well, I'm available now. Do I call and tell them that, or let them call me again if they're still interested?

Did they offer to treat? If so, I don't think I would call to say "hey, when are you taking me out?" You could, however, call stam to shmooze and let them know in the course of conversation, that you're free.

[LoveToLaugh]

Shuli, on 28 July 2010 - 04:47 PM, said:

I agree. I don't think I would assume that if THEY don't call, it means you're not invited.

So would you call? And risk putting her on the spot and making her feel somewhat dumb for the second week in a row?

[Shuli]

LoveToLaugh, on 28 July 2010 - 05:07 PM, said:

So would you call? And risk putting her on the spot and making her feel somewhat dumb for the second week in a row?

Yes. I really don't see it as that big a deal, or that embarrassing.

[LoveToLaugh]

Shuli, on 28 July 2010 - 05:09 PM, said:

Yes. I really don't see it as that big a deal, or that embarrassing.

Maybe its a funny thing in general for me because we can't really host people normally so we end up being the guests much more often than not. A family of 4 basically always being on the 'taking' end. So yes, if we are invited, it gives me a feeling that they enjoy having us as well and diminishes the 'we're always going to them without reciprocation' feeling. But if I ask and she says 'not this week' and the same thing happens another time it just get that much more uncomfortable for me, as the chronic guest, to start feeling the 'shnorriness' or whatever you'd call it that some guests do end up being.

I know, probably way over thought.

[lyric]

Shuli, on 28 July 2010 - 09:47 PM, said:

I don't think I would assume that if THEY don't call, it means you're not invited.

Whoa, there's a heckuva lot of negatives in that sentence; it's quite hard to unravel what you mean.

Personally, if someone says "...but we DEFINITELY want you next Shabbos!" that's as definitive an invitation as it's going to get unless these people are well known to mess people around and pull out of invitations on a regular basis. I would call up Monday or Tuesday and just ask casually if the invite is still on and stress that it's not a big deal if it isn't.

My newly married granddaughter and her husband (the one who has yet to make a meal) met us in the street on Friday night and told us her parents were going away on Tuesday (ie yesterday) and the young couple were only going to Israel on Wednesday (ie today). I jokingly said "OMG what are you going to DO on Tuesday night for supper??" to which she said "I don't know, what ARE we going to do on Tuesday night?" So I said "you can come to us!" It was left like that, in the street, but yesterday she called me and asked if I meant it and were they still invited. I had half thought they might decide not to come but the other half of me thought they might, so I got in the food, and when she called I said "OF COURSE!" If she hadn't called I would have assumed she had other plans. So it's definitely worth calling.

[Shuli]

lyric, on 28 July 2010 - 05:59 PM, said:

Whoa, there's a heckuva lot of negatives in that sentence; it's quite hard to unravel what you mean.

[TheShamash]

I think Grandma's are different, lyric.

[lyric]

Shtoltzy, on 28 July 2010 - 11:02 PM, said:

I think Grandma's are different, lyric.

I would have said the same to any guest. Not that I normally have guests during the week... but I have regular guests who come for Shabbos meals, and if I meet them in the street and the invitation is given out casually, I would expect a follow up to confirm.

[Kalashnikover_Rebbe]

I would call to confirm. People flat out forget....

[LoveToLaugh]

Maybe they are reading the site, I just got a message from friend hoping we will be coming for shabbos lunch

Thanks for the input all!

[Very Lucky Guy]

LoveToLaugh, on 28 July 2010 - 04:42 PM, said:

OK, some background; this friend has mentioned several times that she wants to have us over before we move; She initially invited us for last shabbos in a more casual way. I actually did call in the middle of the week to ask her about it and thats when she said she was going way for this shabbos in the end but definitely wants up next shabbos. I'm almost embarrassed for her if she can't have us in the end even though we're totally cool with going elsewhere.

LoveToLaugh, on 28 July 2010 - 05:17 PM, said:

Maybe its a funny thing in general for me because we can't really host people normally so we end up being the guests much more often than not. A family of 4 basically always being on the 'taking' end. So yes, if we are invited, it gives me a feeling that they enjoy having us as well and diminishes the 'we're always going to them without reciprocation' feeling. But if I ask and she says 'not this week' and the same thing happens another time it just get that much more uncomfortable for me, as the chronic guest, to start feeling the 'shnorriness' or whatever you'd call it that some guests do end up being.

I know, probably way over thought.

Not over-thought at all. I would not call b/c in my mind if a person wants someone over then they will call to offer a formal invitation. So, if the person did not call you that means to me that she does not want to invite you over. That means calling her puts her on the spot and ultimately you are going to be at the house of a person who does not really want you there.

Kalashnikover_Rebbe, on 28 July 2010 - 07:17 PM, said:

I would call to confirm. People flat out forget....

Not adults. Maybe kids or "bochrim," but not normal, responsible adults.

[lyric]

I have in the past forgotten. This is what sending a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates ahead of Shabbos is for.

Have I never told you my parents' story? They invited some friends for mid-week supper and totally forgot they had done so. So total was their amnesia about it, that even when the friends showed up, it didn't jog their memory, and they thought they'd just popped in for a chat. As it was dinner time, my parents asked the friends to please sit, down, make themselves at home, they'd be right with them, they were just finishing their meal. (!!!) As friends were Brits they were too polite to say anything, so they just sat there like lemons until something dawned on my parents that they had invited them for supper!!

[Very Lucky Guy]

That sounds totally incomprehensible to me. I cannot fathom forgetting about an invitation.