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'Just Because' gifts


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#21 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 04:50 PM

Update:

This is kinda amazing if it works out....the camera is on its way and just today my daughter mentioned that her friend threw out his pacis and got a prize. And that since she's 4, she wont be sleeping with her paci anymore.....it came totally out of nowhere because she loves her paci and we aren't rushing to take it away. But it seems like its a fitting prize if she's indeed big and doesn't need the paci anymore.

I hope this works out, we'll see how she feels about it at night!!
God, grant us the...
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Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#22 greentiger

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 04:58 PM

oh wow. Amazing that its her suggesting and nothing she was pushed into. I just wonder though. If she gets rid of her pacis and then gets a big girl gift for it, what happens if she changes her mind and decides she wants her pacis again?
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

#23 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 06:02 PM

oh wow. Amazing that its her suggesting and nothing she was pushed into. I just wonder though. If she gets rid of her pacis and then gets a big girl gift for it, what happens if she changes her mind and decides she wants her pacis again?

I take the camera away? not 100% sure but i'm liking this 'big girl' idea more and more. Before she didnt want to do a certain chore and said 'I'm a baby' and I said 'Hmmm I don't think babies get cameras'. She right away went to do it. Not saying I will use the line always but I think the idea that she is big and can take care of a camera (as opposed to a baby or her brother who can't) would make sense to her.
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#24 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 09:00 PM

First night with paci - success! :)

I showed her the camera and she got super excited. She said she's giong to tell all her friends that she is getting a camera :p
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#25 Belle

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 09:26 PM

I take the camera away?


I hope not.
"Belle has the right of it" - Shemmy

"i have come to believe that belle is closer to the truth" - Snag

"Belle is, of course, right." - Razie

#26 agent220

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 10:58 PM

Please do NOT take away something the child has earned and now has possession of. It is NOT contingent on continued good behavior. If you do so, your child loses a sense of ownership and nothing is stable anymore.
When you try to make a statement, all you're really doing is raising questions.

#27 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 11:19 PM

Hm. I really didnt think this through. I hear what you guys are saying. But if she is getting X because she is doing Y, and she stops doing Y, doesn't it make sense that she doesn't have X anymore?

On second thought, I can't truly see this scenario playing out. If we 'get rid of pacis' like her friend did, there is no turning back and her reverting into them.

Update on night 1: when I transfered her to her bed she woke up crying :(. Now what?
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#28 TheDuncePolice

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 11:37 PM

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Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Robert C. Savage

#29 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 11:39 PM

That's not really how it works IMO.

I think it could work in some areas like something that a kid gets a different thing every day. Lets say computer time if she finishes her homework or something to that effect.

But now that i think about it, once a child (or anyone) is given something tangible, its not right to take it away.
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#30 TheDuncePolice

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 11:44 PM

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Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Robert C. Savage

#31 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 11:48 PM

A privilege is different than a gift.

Right. I told her she has to sleep three nights without a paci in order to get her gift. So once we have chazkah, I'd imagine it would be somewhat safe to assume we don't need to go back. Maybe i will just throw them out but my son still uses them.

Next update: I held her and she went back to sleep. Yay.
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#32 greentiger

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 03:24 AM

Right. I told her she has to sleep three nights without a paci in order to get her gift. So once we have chazkah, I'd imagine it would be somewhat safe to assume we don't need to go back. Maybe i will just throw them out but my son still uses them.

Next update: I held her and she went back to sleep. Yay.

So after 3 nights its then hers regardless.

Related, how do you (general) feel about confiscating toys as a punishment? I think agent brought up a good point for any situation, but is that to say you would never take something away from your kid?
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

#33 agent220

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 10:14 AM

Hm. I really didnt think this through. I hear what you guys are saying. But if she is getting X because she is doing Y, and she stops doing Y, doesn't it make sense that she doesn't have X anymore?

It's not an if...then.
An if/then would be: If you are ready for bed on time, then we have time for a story. A natural reward.
This has NOTHING to do with getting rid of pacifiers, other than she was gifted a camera in honor of her being a big girl. Even if she regresses (which is completely normal), she will not learn anything to start being a big girl again by you taking it away, and it's only detrimental. In that way, you're using it as a bribe, not a reward. And it will be totally ineffective. She'll give up on trying to do her best since it will be impossible to keep up to those standards. If she earns something, she's earned it plain and simple for then. If she has behavior you are trying to work on, you start from there without going back.
Can you imagine if an adult was working well and got a bonus, but then made a mistake the next month to the company's detriment and was told the entire bonus was being deducted from their upcoming paycheck? Who would want to work hard if rewards weren't their own to keep?

On second thought, I can't truly see this scenario playing out. If we 'get rid of pacis' like her friend did, there is no turning back and her reverting into them.

That's great. She's made the choice to get rid of them, and now it's harder for her to get back to her habit if she goes cold turkey without the chance to pick one up.

Update on night 1: when I transfered her to her bed she woke up crying :(. Now what?

She usually settles back in with a pacifier? Where was she before? I think it's going to take time to set up a new bedtime system without the crutch, but it is definitely doable. I'd advise trying to do it by bed instead of transferring later on, so there is less room for her to wake up and be irrational in the middle of her sleep when she's transferred.

Take some time before bed just spending time with her. Play a game/read a story and listen if she has interesting things to tell you from her day as you tuck her in. Do shema with her and tell her you're leaving now, and she's such a big girl and you know she will stay in bed. Tell her you'll be back in 2 minutes to kiss her for staying in bed, and follow through. The next time, promise 3 minutes, follow through. On and on until she falls asleep. See if that works by having you as her sleeping aid instead of the pacifier. No transferring required.
When you try to make a statement, all you're really doing is raising questions.

#34 Nechama

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 10:46 AM

Right. I told her she has to sleep three nights without a paci in order to get her gift. So once we have chazkah, I'd imagine it would be somewhat safe to assume we don't need to go back. Maybe i will just throw them out but my son still uses them.

Have her throw them away so knows they are gone. We told my son mater-of-fact, "when you turn three, you throw the pacis away in the dumpster" a few weeks before his birthday. Came his birthday, abba took him out for the grand paci-toss. By the second or third night -he was over it like pacis never exisited.
If I have interesting things on the walls, no one will notice how dirty the floors are - right?

#35 agent220

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 10:49 AM

I think it could work in some areas like something that a kid gets a different thing every day. Lets say computer time if she finishes her homework or something to that effect.

That's a natural reward. "You've finished your jobs, now you have time for something special."
Or a natural consequence. "You did not finish your jobs, so you won't have time for something special."
Whichever way you want to phrase it -- it's something that follows something else.

But now that i think about it, once a child (or anyone) is given something tangible, its not right to take it away.

Right. I only have 2 exceptions.
1) A child who is using their object in a way that is contrary to rules and therefore a parent can assert authority to take it away. E.g. a toy being used to hit a sibling
2) This might be controversial, but my kids have personal drawers with their own stuff, usually doo-dads and prizes from school. If one sibling takes away or ruins another's personal belonging, the victim is now paid back from the culprit's personal stash. My kids don't have money really to pay with, but this way it teaches them to respect other's things or else pay for it.

Related, how do you (general) feel about confiscating toys as a punishment? I think agent brought up a good point for any situation, but is that to say you would never take something away from your kid?

I just addressed this :)
It has to be directly related to the offending behavior.
Another example: A toy not cleaned up (when it's the child's responsibility to) will get put away because it has now become MY responsibility. If it's theirs, it's their responsibility to take care of it.
When you try to make a statement, all you're really doing is raising questions.

#36 Dr. Seuss

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 11:39 AM

I think if a child is overusing an item, such as a DS, and thereby ignoring chores, the parent has a right to temporarily take it away so the child can do what needs to be done. Especially if they are the ones that gave it to the child (unlike a gift they got from someone else).

#37 agent220

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 12:26 PM

Right, that's what I'm saying. If the object is directly affecting rule breaking, the parent can assert authority over it. Not doing one's chores would be such an example, as it's a natural consequence.
When you try to make a statement, all you're really doing is raising questions.

#38 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 01:17 PM

Have her throw them away so knows they are gone. We told my son mater-of-fact, "when you turn three, you throw the pacis away in the dumpster" a few weeks before his birthday. Came his birthday, abba took him out for the grand paci-toss. By the second or third night -he was over it like pacis never exisited.

Right so i'm imagining this is going to be somewhat similar. She ended up going back to sleep without it and we were all very proud in the morning, including herself. I wrote a mitzvah note to her morah and she seemed really ok with the whole adjustment. She DID still want her blankie, which we initially couldnt' find, but thankfully did. So anyway, I am imaging if she can go a few more nights wtihout a paci, she'll probably be over the whole needing a paci. Isn't that how it works? I'm not going to throw them out because her brother isnt weaned yet but i can maybe make little holes which she doesnt like and he doesn't mind.

Thanks all for the input!
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#39 LoveToLaugh

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Posted 12 February 2012 - 11:12 PM

Posted Image


We've been paci free for a week. And she loooooooves her new camera. And has only asked me for mine once since she got hers. The quality is awful but she doesnt care. She lines us up to take shots and deletes them when she doesnt like them!
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

#40 TheDuncePolice

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Posted 12 February 2012 - 11:36 PM

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Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Robert C. Savage




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