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#1 MeWho

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 10:08 PM

This probably isn't the right place for this. But, I just wanted to vent for a sec.

It's so hard being frye. It wasn't any easier for me to be frum. But it's the in-between that's difficult.

I feel like I don't belong in any group of people. I don't fit in with the goyim. And I don't fit in with the yiddin. At least, not the yiddin in my town.

I have no friends who understand where I'm coming from. I have no support from my family. It's just me. One man, to fight a strange battle, all on my own.

I'm sure my situation isn't unique. But in many cities, there is help. Here, there is none.

I feel so isolated.

I don't want to live in Crown Heights with the rest of my family. I don't feel comfortable in that community. But I don't like living so far away either.

It's hard to make decisions.

There is still so much to develop in regards to my life and personality. I feel like I'm a little tree, just starting to grow, looking for a source of water, life support. But there isn't any around.

I could put these thoughts aside and just go enjoy life and do what feels good. But it's the chulent that I miss, that makes me feel good. It's the niggunim that I enjoyed singing, that I don't sing anymore. I used to believe I could be a descent chasin (cantor), but I've never found the encouragement to pursue it.

Yet, it's all my fault. I sit here rotting away, not sure which move to make next. There is so much that I could do. There is so much more to life. But not around here, I feel.

Why does it have to be all or nothing?

I want to got to shul every now and then. But I don't want to be expected to go to shul. I want to put on tefillin every now and then, but I don't want it to be demanded of me.

The shluchim and other Chabad members put so much pressure on doing the things that are right, to them. What about the right thing for me? Where it the happy medium?

Every time I start going back to shul, they begin to expect it. I just cannot commit to it. I would love to be able to walk to shul, but it's far and the temperature here is usually pretty hot. So, should I drive or not go at all? Many people say I shouldn't go at all. So, I won't go to shul ever again, right?

These thoughts go deep. There is no end to the feelings I have in this regard. It would be so nice to shoot the breeze with another person in my situation. To be able to share some laughs with someone who understands exactly what I am going through. Whether it's a guy or girl, it would be amazing to find a peer in my same shoes.

For now, all I can do it focus on work. I have bills to pay and a mouth to feed. My own. Eventually everything will work itself out, right? Or, I can take control of the situation and make things work, they way I want them to work.

But then I remember, there is nobody by my side to pat my back, to nudge me and assure me that I'm going in the right direction. Is it so wrong that I want that?

I don't know where to go from here. As I finish writing this, I don't think anything will change. Such is life. There are those who grab it by the horns. And there are those who allow themselves to be bludgeoned by those same horns.

I am intelligent and creative guy. But the weight on my head is unbearable right now and I cross my fingers that things will change soon.

Thanks for reading.

#2 mroof

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Posted 11 July 2012 - 01:27 AM

I feel like I don't belong in any group of people. I don't fit in with the goyim. And I don't fit in with the yiddin. At least, not the yiddin in my town.
I have no friends who understand where I'm coming from. I have no support from my family. It's just me. One man, to fight a strange battle, all on my own.

Here is the thing: You DO belong with a group of people: Everyone does. You are a human being and a Jew, deserving of respect, compassion and empathy.
I read this and it breaks my heart. You are not alone in the World. Regardless of whether your family supports you or not, I am sure there are those who love you for who you are.

I'm sure my situation isn't unique. But in many cities, there is help. Here, there is none.
I feel so isolated.
I don't want to live in Crown Heights with the rest of my family. I don't feel comfortable in that community. But I don't like living so far away either.
It's hard to make decisions.

If you are feeling isolated, you should move to another area: Why not look for other communities?
You should also try meeting up with others and doing different activities socially to gain new friends and perspectives.

There is still so much to develop in regards to my life and personality. I feel like I'm a little tree, just starting to grow, looking for a source of water, life support. But there isn't any around.

Is this not the very definition of life itself? We grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we learn, we try new things, we learn, we age, we learn...Life is continual growth and renewal, but it does not mean that we do not face hardships and obstacles along the way.

I could put these thoughts aside and just go enjoy life and do what feels good. But it's the chulent that I miss, that makes me feel good. It's the niggunim that I enjoyed singing, that I don't sing anymore. I used to believe I could be a descent chasin (cantor), but I've never found the encouragement to pursue it.

One step at time: Take a first step and it may be easier than you think to climb up the stairs. :)
If you want to achieve your goals in life, you must stay focused, determined and optimistic!

I want to got to shul every now and then. But I don't want to be expected to go to shul. I want to put on tefillin every now and then, but I don't want it to be demanded of me.
The shluchim and other Chabad members put so much pressure on doing the things that are right, to them. What about the right thing for me? Where it the happy medium?

That is what you have to discover for yourself.

Every time I start going back to shul, they begin to expect it. I just cannot commit to it. I would love to be able to walk to shul, but it's far and the temperature here is usually pretty hot. So, should I drive or not go at all? Many people say I shouldn't go at all. So, I won't go to shul ever again, right?

Again, I say to check out different communities if this is an issue for you.

But then I remember, there is nobody by my side to pat my back, to nudge me and assure me that I'm going in the right direction. Is it so wrong that I want that?

No, that's completely normal but you have to be the one to take initiative if it doesn't happen. You need to make peace with yourself in this respect.

I am intelligent and creative guy. But the weight on my head is unbearable right now and I cross my fingers that things will change soon.

You may find quite a few people on here that are open for discussions and talk: Stop crossing your fingers and be the change you wish to see.

Whatever the case, you sound very disheartened and I hope that you find the answers, friendship and peace you seek in life. I really hope that things work out for you.
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The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances...if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

#3 SUMMERSUP

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Posted 11 July 2012 - 03:56 PM

HEY! Welcome to H.com....Sounds like you will fit in perfectly here!

I personally think, that you should make a decision to be something/a certain type. Once you decide what you want to be its easier for you to find your place instead of hovering in between.

It sounds like to me that you are trying to be traditional/modern, in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that.

People will probably disagree with me for saying this but i always find people like you more genuine in some respects. At least you don't dress a certain way put on a whole show for everyone but when your away from your community you turn into something else.

I applaud people to think and explore god and religion in there own way.

I dont really have time to make a proper response.maybe later!

#4 MeWho

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Posted 12 July 2012 - 09:04 PM

HEY! Welcome to H.com....Sounds like you will fit in perfectly here!

I personally think, that you should make a decision to be something/a certain type. Once you decide what you want to be its easier for you to find your place instead of hovering in between.

It sounds like to me that you are trying to be traditional/modern, in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that.

People will probably disagree with me for saying this but i always find people like you more genuine in some respects. At least you don't dress a certain way put on a whole show for everyone but when your away from your community you turn into something else.

I applaud people to think and explore god and religion in there own way.

I dont really have time to make a proper response.maybe later!



Thanks for your kind words of wisdom and support. :)

I totally agree with you about trying to decide on a type of person to be. But, I'm mostly happy with where I am, in regards to Yiddishkeit, even though it doesn't sound like it.

I definitely don't dress in a way to show off or to attract attention. That was one of my problems with growing up frum. I hated wearing things that made me stand out in a crowd. I had plenty of other emotional issues to deal with, and I didn't need another reason for people to poke fun at me.

#5 MeWho

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Posted 12 July 2012 - 09:20 PM

Here is the thing: You DO belong with a group of people: Everyone does. You are a human being and a Jew, deserving of respect, compassion and empathy.
I read this and it breaks my heart. You are not alone in the World. Regardless of whether your family supports you or not, I am sure there are those who love you for who you are.


If you are feeling isolated, you should move to another area: Why not look for other communities?
You should also try meeting up with others and doing different activities socially to gain new friends and perspectives.


Is this not the very definition of life itself? We grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we learn, we try new things, we learn, we age, we learn...Life is continual growth and renewal, but it does not mean that we do not face hardships and obstacles along the way.


One step at time: Take a first step and it may be easier than you think to climb up the stairs. :)
If you want to achieve your goals in life, you must stay focused, determined and optimistic!

That is what you have to discover for yourself.


Again, I say to check out different communities if this is an issue for you.


No, that's completely normal but you have to be the one to take initiative if it doesn't happen. You need to make peace with yourself in this respect.


You may find quite a few people on here that are open for discussions and talk: Stop crossing your fingers and be the change you wish to see.

Whatever the case, you sound very disheartened and I hope that you find the answers, friendship and peace you seek in life. I really hope that things work out for you.




“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Mahatma Gandhi


I have that on a little sticker on my computer monitor at work. I guess it's not helping.

There is so much to work on. Thanks so much for your insight.

#6 mroof

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 01:04 AM


“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Mahatma Gandhi


I have that on a little sticker on my computer monitor at work. I guess it's not helping.

There is so much to work on. Thanks so much for your insight.

Glad it was useful. Yes, the quote is actually one of my favorites. :)
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The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances...if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

#7 paganyid

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 10:40 AM

Can you get someone to drive you to shul, open the car door for you and everything? so no electricity is used...
You should step foot into a church. Its very dangerous for some religious jews to do that but I believe its important to see how other people worship.

#8 mroof

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 07:50 PM

Can you get someone to drive you to shul, open the car door for you and everything? so no electricity is used...
You should step foot into a church. Its very dangerous for some religious jews to do that but I believe its important to see how other people worship.

You could probably YouTube that without actually going into a church though.
.colorful .dreams
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The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances...if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

#9 MeWho

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Posted 14 July 2012 - 09:12 PM

Can you get someone to drive you to shul, open the car door for you and everything? so no electricity is used...
You should step foot into a church. Its very dangerous for some religious jews to do that but I believe its important to see how other people worship.



paganyid, I'm not sure if you're serious or if you're joking. Technically, if you have someone else drive you to Shul, it's still like you're doing the driving. Because the person is using the electricity and operating the engine on your behalf. But, I know you might agree or disagree with that, depending on where you stand in regards to Yiddishkeit.

I totally agree with you about how important is it to see how other people worship. But, I think it's only important to a person who might be unsure and who might be exploring things. A Frum person, who is happy with who they are, has no need to step into a Church.

#10 mat`

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Posted 15 July 2012 - 07:56 AM

You sound like someone who would fit perfectly somewhere in an out of town community. Good luck and I hope you'll find your menuchas hanefesh very soon.
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#11 Kalashnikover_Rebbe

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 05:40 AM

There is a place that might work for you. It's called Israel...
[/flirting]




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